DIVINE MOTHER-goddess or deceived?

(By:  Cath)

For a decade I believed in a Goddess – a Divine Mother – dedicated myself wholeheartedly to her and was ordained as a Pagan Reverend and Priestess. I ascribed all the beauty of creation and nature to the “Goddess of Ten Thousand Names” and eventually became utterly spellbound by the Egyptian Isis [Aset]. I dedicated myself to other gods at this time, but she remained center stage.  I was getting all the answers I wanted, yet, no matter how sweet this seemed to me, my heart still yearned to be filled and found only disillusionment.

Rebellion had a tight grip on me and I hardened my heart towards the One who I now undoubtedly know, lovingly created everything. I held tenaciously to the belief that I was born for the sole purpose of being a Priestess of the Goddess and honestly thought that if I stopped being a Witch, I would completely lose my identity.  Was I ever deceived!

This belief seduced me away from my Heavenly Father. “But what about your Heavenly Mother?” I can almost hear you say. Although God is a father, He created mothers. In fact, He attributes motherly qualities to Himself. One of His many titles is El Shaddi’ – the All Breasty One.  If I had to translate that, I would say ‘One who nourishes most completely, more so than any earthly mother’. God comforts us like a mother! (See: Isaiah 66:13).

My search for the Divine Mother drew me away from God, until I realized He was the only One who could give me exactly what I was searching for. God remains true to His word, and after many years in the wilderness of rebellion (I say rebellion, because the more I heard His call, the more I turned my back on Him and spiritual searching), the Most High - the most loving God allowed me to find Him (See: Jeremiah 29:13-14).

Finally God’s Truth began to powerfully penetrate my fragmented heart.  Dear one, you are witnessing a miracle, a changed life and a changed eternity. A new creation in Christ!

How did it happen?

After three years of ‘testing the Christian waters’ so to speak, I decided that the Christian life was not for me, although my heart was undeniably touched every time I entered the presence of Jesus Christ. However, I felt that He would never accept me and that I was too much of a rebel to ever belong to Him. I enjoyed rituals and wearing ceremonial robes. I liked being a Priestess and wanted to become a High Priestess. My entire life centered around how powerful She would make me and how much wisdom and magic I would impart to others. I craved the attention I received each time I gave a workshop or took part in rituals, spells and ceremonies. I shook off any and all thoughts of emptiness and knowledge that my wisdom and power was limited.

Pride and self-centeredness does not like to acknowledge any other above itself. I was fast becoming proud and selfish, like the Goddess I served. I wanted to be solely Her vessel and did not want any interference from Jesus – from the Christian God. I wanted to be my own god so that the Great Mother would be proud of me and grant me Her affection and power -- the power given to a cherished daughter and High Priestess. However, the further into Satanic witchcraft I traveled, the greater became a yearning for that love I had once felt from Jesus Christ and the emptier my soul became.

One evening, alone in my room, I felt God’s call deep inside of me. In fact, I felt His voice more than I heard it. This was the voice of the Holy Spirit. I had always been deeply afraid of the Holy Spirit, believing Him to be the enemy. One who would eventually annihilate me with fire. I trembled every time I thought of Him and immersed myself in magical activities, to forget. On such an evening, I was preparing for a crucially important ritual. This was to be the crossroads of my eternity. My altar was set up, my teacher waited for feedback. I was attired accordingly and was to enter the world of the High Priestess. I was to give my soul to the Goddess. Imagine my shock on hearing not Her voice, but the voice of the Holy Spirit, gentle, yet firm – The Spirit of Truth (See: John 14:7).

He said: “Will you listen if I talk to you?” In this moment, there was no fear and I decided to listen. He told me to fetch my Bible. I did so, and sat with a ritual in one hand and Holy Bible in the other. On this particular evening, my ritual – as the only appropriate one chosen on this night and for this purpose – was to Tiamat, the Babylonian Goddess. I was disappointed because this was not strictly Kemetic or even Isian, but relented and accepted, because I believed Tiamat to be Isis in another form.

The Holy Spirit began to gently guide me. He told me to turn to the book of Revelations, Chapter 12. I did so and read on to Chapter 13. It was there where my blood ran cold. I realized that this dragon in the Bible was the same as the one in my ritual. The description was blatantly obvious. I didn’t want to believe it. I tried to make excuses, but the truth was placed plainly before me and there was nowhere to run. No more deception to hide behind. I realized with absolute heartbreak and horror, that the Goddess I had loved for years was not who she claimed to be. This dragon in Revelations chapter 13 has been masquerading for thousands of years, as a “loving mother” to seduce creation away from its true Maker. This is what I found behind the veil of the goddess whose face I had always wanted to see!

At the instant of this deep realization, I turned to my Maker with everything inside of me and gave my life to Christ …  The one who gave His life for me, thousands of years before, and the One who was there in the beginning of Time, with the Father when I was created as a woman in His love, by His beauty, by His power and in His image. (See: John 5:18). He is my Father and my Mother now.

Since writing this testimony, there have been difficult days -- moments of temptation and mourning the loss of a life I once lived. The heartache resurfaced a few times, as did the anger of losing my identity. Then I stumbled onto Refuge Ministries.  It was here that I saw God’s love in action and received sound counseling. As Jeff Harshbarger and Annie Fintan lovingly gave comfort and sent scripture, so I grew stronger in a new identity in Christ. It was explained to me that the identity I thought was missing was the absence of the lie. I was now to immerse myself in the Truth. Day by day, I grew stronger in His Love. My identity became a new creation in Christ Jesus and daughter of the Most High God. I also found that I did not have to earn His favor, but that it simply rested on me … because of His grace that was demonstrated when Jesus took my punishment so that I could forever be united with a merciful, loving and just God.

The goddesses and gods I served only responded to performance. Having said that, one would expect that the more devoted I became in my daily rituals, the more they would respond with favor, except that this was not the case. The more devoted I became, the further away they seemed to be. Many prayers went unanswered and I felt more alone and confused than ever. Some days my shrine would be devoid of anything even remotely tangibly spiritual - only beautifully carved idols would serve as an empty reminder that this was a place of worship. On the odd occasion I would feel the presence of the gods and goddesses, but I really, really had to earn it. No matter how hard I tried, that beautiful, flowing magic began to elude me.

The gods and goddesses – I was taught – have human characteristics including mood swings, which became apparent one particular day when my main goddess humiliated me, publicly. This came as an absolute shock, for by this stage I had been serving her faithfully for almost ten years and was at the height of my devotion. The last thing I expected was betrayal, after all, she was my Mother - so I had been led to believe. Strangely, my power, which had been used according to the principles and rules laid out, seemed to be waning as well! So, I tried harder to earn favor and affection from the gods and my peers.

An amazing flip-side of this little coin is Grace. The Christian God is all about Grace. A common fallacy penetrating our generation is this; we need to be good enough to enter God’s presence; this belief actually drove me away from a loving Creator and right into the arms of false gods. It took years to realize that this is not the Christian God’s attitude at all; it is actually man-made! Jesus Christ died for me while I was still estranged from Him. He didn’t wait for me to shape up or perform or even for me to introduce myself. While I was still a sinner, Christ died for me. He loved me even then! Why? It’s His nature. He is Love.

The strangest and perhaps most difficult concept for me to accept has been one of grace – God’s unmerited favor. To be simply loved, accepted and cherished, without having to earn any of it – a gift from a loving Creator. What’s more, He gives me what I ask of Him, provided I ask according to His will, which is really not hard, considering He has only my best interests at heart. In fact God promises He will never stop doing good to me with His whole heart! He promises that He is able to do above and beyond anything I could ever wish for or imagine. He says He will never reject me. He promises to never abandon me. He promises eternal friendship. He says I wear His seal. Why? Because before I was born, He had me on His mind. This is too wonderful to comprehend some days. I don’t have to strive to feel anything. I Know He is with me and for me. The Holy Spirit living inside of me bears witness to the fact that I am His daughter. I also received power when He came upon me unlike any magic I have ever experienced! I did not need years of ardent learning for that. God bestows on us love, power and a sound mind - not fear and confusion.

I no longer need ritual to enter a spiritual presence that may or may not accept me. God the Father tells me to come boldly into His throne room of Grace. What a difference. There are certainly no regrets.

Seeing then that we have a great High Priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession.  For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weakness, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. 

Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.  -- Hebrews 4:14-16

I have a new purpose, which is not based on power – even though God is all-powerful. My purpose is now based on trust and grace. Trust that He is who He says He is, which makes me want to do what He tells me to. And grace – the fact that He never stops doing good to me, even though I do not deserve it.  Trials will come and trials will go, but God allows the trials for my eternal spiritual character building – my eternal spiritual growth.  My purpose is not to serve others from my own strength for recognition, but to love and to serve others from His limitless healing love, out of love and deep respect for Him.