Mid December 2012 ... as I was reading God's Word, this scripture caught my attention:

Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now. And don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes. Matthew 6:34 (The Message)

This verse became so real to me as though it was accompanied by sounding lights and flashing horns. I couldn't for the life of me understand why it was so real to me and so alive. Money from an inheritance from my uncle was going to be used by my husband to start himself a new business with two other partners. Yes, as of 18 years I did not have a particularly ideal marriage, but as of late you could smell the roses in our home and our relationship was as perfect as one could wish for.

I pondered over the scripture verse for a number of weeks as it felt so relevant ... yet misunderstood for the moment. I wondered what it might be equating to. Then on the Eve of Christmas Morning when our guests had left for their homes, I went into the kitchen to prepare for our big family get-to-gether on Christmas Night. Suddenly I felt something had changed within our home and whatever it was is was not good.

Shortly after that I went into the living room, took one look at my husband and I suddenly realized the whole and entire meaning of Matthew 6:34. It had to do with our marriage.

From that point until now it has been, shall we say, a very turbulent time. Over a period of time my husband declared that he only married me as he was lonely; that he had made a mistake, and 'how God expects us to get up and move on when we make mistakes and the reason he was going to a new church, alone, was to make himself a safety net for when we separated/divorced.' He wanted to remarry and to love and be loved. The list is endless and profits nothing by dredging over it. However, periodically I could also be told I was the next best thing to sliced bread and a great wife too.

For the best part of the past 10 months (in 2012) I have felt like I have been wrapped up in a blanket of God's peace. Yes, the devil is trying to rob me of a lot in my life but even when he does his worst it's no match for God's best. I have learned so much these past 10 months and have had to let go my grip of so much too. Not that any of the material things in my life were bad for me but they were things which owned me rather that me owning them. I learned that God was to be my first stop when upset and not anyone else.

It is not to say I have not given into my flesh on a few occasions by having a hissy fit! But all I can say - it is a sure and fast way of losing your peace when one steps into that arena. When I stick close to God by regularly renewing my mind with His word (Romans 12:1-2), it somehow causes me to deal with situations in quite an extraordinarily way. While I stay in the boat with God I can survive any storm or tsunami and the same goes for everyone.

On one particular evening I was taken completely off guard by a response from my husband. So much so that I went off and slammed the outside door. Well, it was like I had chucked myself out of the boat and into the eye of the storm of reality and it was not a good place to be. The deep welling of anger within me was nothing ordinary and I did not take myself into check for about an hour. My peace was gone and I was in a mess and muddle. Then the Holy Spirit ministered to me because He is the great Comforter to us all, and I sheepishly climbed back into the boat and there was by peace exactly where I had left it. One thing I have learned is that I can not survive without God, yet I can survive anything with Him.

Yes, everyone has been given the gift of a freedom of choice so therefore I can not keep my husband in this marriage against his will. However, just because my hubby refuses to read what God says about marriage in the bible doesn't mean he has a 'get out of jail card' from the consequence for not being in obedience.

In brief I feel my husband is a troubled soul and looks and talks like one too. Yes - he loves God and desires to become a better person. He had a very unhappy and unstable childhood which sadly leaves its ugly scares on a lot of people including my husband. But none of this is outside of what Jesus came to set us free from. But buried memories, resentment, an unforgiving spirit etc., have to be willingly allowed to be dealt with by God Himself if true peace and contentment is ever to be enjoyed. Sadly by his own admission my husband has never enjoyed either.

"Do you love your husband?", I hear some ask. Well, to be honest there has been so much water under the bridge it's hard to answer a 100% yes to that. But I do feel a great compassion for his agony of mind and desire 100% to see him set free from this anguish. Do I forgive him for all the terrible things he has put me through in the past and now the present? Yes, I can whole-hearty say I have done so 100%. Through hard work, God's guidance, obedience and a pulling together from both of us I believe the rest can flourish once again. Why? Because God has promised He can cause desserts to bloom again.

People are channels through which God gets us help and assistance but this has gone well beyond anything anyone can take credit for sorting out.

What I do know is that when it's all over bar the shouting, it can only be said that this was all down to God, His grace and His mercy.

I am writing this to encourage anyone in a similar situation to hold fast to Gods Word; be obedient at all times but especially when you least feel like it. Live and breathe His Word because: It takes more than bread to stay alive. It takes a steady stream of words from God's mouth. (Matt 4:4)

Remember, God's Word is like fire and a sledgehammer bursting a rock. (Jeremiah 23:29). So, whatever your rock is at this moment in time, delve into the scriptures and find out what God's will is for your situation. If your feelings are not in harmony with what God is saying in His Word then step back and re-examine your problem. He will never change His written Word to accommodate our fleshly thinking but His Word can change us if we allow it to. It's all down to choice and that choice is ours.

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