By: Kurt Flier
Most everyone struggles with trusting God throughout their life at one time or another, don’t they? I feel impressed to share some of my own past struggles with trusting God, in hopes that it will somehow help OTHERS to deal with their struggles with trusting God.
I was brought up in a Christian home and was taught all the way's that a person should live to be right in the eyes of God. My parents had me baptized and devoted my siblings and I to the Lord. At that time I really did not understand it all, but I trusted my parents and always did what I was told to do.
Later on in my teenage years, I had my first love come into my life, and as usual in many of our lives, that never lasted and my heart was broken. I went to my father for advice and he was very cold about the situation, and told me to just let it go and move on. Like most parents, he said "There are more fish in the sea." After that, I decided that I could not trust another female with my heart.
As time went on my parents had drifted apart and decided to get divorced, which in turn broke my heart. I truly believe that what I was taught by my parents and all the Christian teachings that I learned were actually not being followed by the ones who had taught me them. There again I had lost all my trust in what I was taught and who had taught me them.
So by the time I was 16 years old I had lost my trust in my parents and also decided to turn my back on God and the teachings that I had been brought up believing in. At this time I had only limited knowledge of Christianity and was left with a bad taste about what it was all about. I began to believe that it was all hypocrisy.
I decided that I was going to live my life the way I wanted to live after that. I started to do drugs and drink, which in turn made me feel good and it helped with all the pain and disappointment that was happening in my life. I still did not trust any female and refused to get involved in any kind of meaningful relationship.
I had dated my first love a couple of times after our initial breakup but it always seemed to end up in a bad break-up, which in turn continued to reinforce my trust issues in any females.
It was also during this time period in my life there were some things that had happen that I honestly could not explain -- that should have actually ended up with my death, or at least permanent physical damage. I recall one time when my friends and I went to the lake and partied and then on the way home my friend had driven off the road and hit a tree head on. We all actually got out of the car and walked away unharmed. At the time we all credited it to luck, but now I understand that it had to be only by the grace of God that nothing happened to any of us.
There was another time we all had a party and I was totally out of it and decided to go out on a snowmobile and ended up flipping it over. I only ended up with a few stitches in my arm. Again I had credited that to luck, but now know that I had to be under the protection of the almighty hand of God.
During this time in my life I always felt that I was in control and everything that was going on in my life was of my own doing, which made me became very self-centered and selfish.
By the time I turned 25 years old I had become fairly successful and prosperous, but that's when I started to feel I was missing something very important in my life, so I began to look for a relationship to fill this void. Instead of looking for a relationship with God I turn to looking for a female companion.
That's when I met this younger girl and fell head over heels in love with her, and all I wanted to do was to be with her. As time went on we decided to live together and she ended up pregnant. I promised to marry her after the child was born. That did not work out the way we had planned it. We both became abusive to each other and then one day I came home from work and she was with another man in the house and things became violent. She decided to leave with the other man and live with him. This once again devastated me. Once again there went all my trust in any women.
After about two months, I somehow managed to gain custody of my son, and believe me I did it not just for the best interest of my son, but also for my own advantage. There again came my selfishness manifesting itself.
I had continued to party on the weekends and started to get tied up in some heavier drugs, which was one of the reasons (her drug using) for my taking my son away from his mother, among other issues.
Then one Christmas I received a good Christmas bonus from work and had plenty of money for Christmas presents for my son. Instead of buying him presents, I went on a weekend binge and spent all my money. By the time the weekend was over and had realized what I had done, I became very depressed and did not know where to turn. That was a time I had turned to God and called out to Him for help and promised that if HE would help me I would change my ways. Well praise God, He answered me and I ended up getting enough money to pay the bills and have a modest Christmas for my son. God will provide!
After this I had cleaned myself up and realized that it was only by the strength of God that I was able to put all the drugs and drinking aside and instead of turning my focus on God, I turned it all on my son.
I spent the next seven years living a clean and sober life and managed to get ahead financially, but I ended up trading my drug and drinking addiction to pornography and self-gratification, mainly because of my trust issues with females. I had become self-absorbed with myself and my son. I had a very hard time trusting almost anyone that came into our lives.
Then came this woman with three children of her own. Her children happen to take a liking to my son and I, and wanted me to get together with their mother. Well, I was unsure about this situation, but I was feeling very lonely and I also knew that some of the activities I was involved in were not healthy, and thought that maybe if I was to get into a relationship it would help curb these activities, so we started to date.
It did help in one way because she had me dispose of all my pornography and helped me to direct my focus on creating a family.
We dated for about three years and broke up once during this time, but stayed in contact and ended up getting back together.
At this time I had an opportunity to buy into the family business. Shortly after this had happened we decided to put everything we both had together and make one family. We built a new house and got married in it. Shortly after this things went south with the business and my father decided to side with the outsider that bought in, instead of standing up for my two other brothers and I. This in turn ended up reinforcing the trust that I had lost in my father.
We ended up having a major fall-out and I totally disowned my father. I spent the next 10 years not even acknowledging him.
After 19 years of faithful service to the family business, I was suddenly without a job yet had a brand new home, and a brand new family I was responsible for.
What was I going to do? Amazing! This had to be God stepping in when I needed Him the most. I had received a job within a month, making more money than I was at the family business and moved up the ladder within a two-year period. Praise God. He will provide!
After three years of marriage and things going well in my opinion, a problem arose with one daughter which in turn ended up affecting the whole family. When things began to become tough, my wife decided to turn to another man at work instead of coming to me, which in turn once again devastated me.
I had become accustomed to this, but this time I cried out to God and also decided to go to a church and search for counseling. A pastor sat with me for a short time, then offered counseling for my wife and I, so I went home and discussed this with my wife, but she declined and told me that we could work this out ourselves.
I knew that we needed help and I also knew that the only way it was going to work was to get God involved, but she refused. Well, I followed my gut feeling and I forgave her for the infidelity, but always had a problem with forgetting. So there I was again, I still loved her but trust was another issue!
Another three years went by and we continued to work at our marriage, but I feel we both had trust issues with each other. I had an attitude that I did not want to end up divorced like my parents, and I also knew what God’s Word said about what He had joined together let not another separate and I truly felt that God had joined us together, even though we were not living in the will of God.
Then all of a sudden things started to return back the way they were and she started to act the same way she did before. That's when I knew it was over. A year later we were divorced, and there I was again: Trust issues!
I had then turned back to my old selfish habits and went back to gathering pornography and self-gratification, and I also started to get involved with other activities that I knew were totally wrong ethically and were illegal. My trust issues had developed into not only me not being able to trust others, but I also had become untrustworthy myself. Things became very dark in my life and I started not even caring about myself, let alone any one else.
My dark secrets and activities then began to be revealed in the light and things were being brought up and I knew that it would be only a matter of time before all would be exposed. That's when I started to take a good look at myself and what I was doing and knew that I had become a filthy man, and came to the conclusion that I did not deserve to live.
So I decided while my son went up north to visit his mother and I was alone, I took every pill in the house and figured I would just go to sleep and not have to wake up and no one would have to deal with me any more.
At the time I did not care and realize now that this was not only selfish, but also a very cowardly way of dealing with my problem … not to mention where I would end up in eternity, but sometimes backed up anger and frustration in life can drive us to not caring about eternity (To Satan’s delight).
When morning came and my son came home, he woke me up. Wow, was I disappointed. I was still alive! Then I called my brother-in-law and told him what I had done and he hurried over to take me to the emergency center. By the time we had arrived I had thrown up and passed out.
At this time all I could feel was total separation from everything. It felt like I was in a continual free fall and I was surrounded by nothing but total darkness and it was really cold. It was a very cold, lonely, and sad place. I am not sure what was happening in the physical realm, but I truly feel that in the spiritual realm I was in a very dark and sad place.
Then all of a sudden there came this small stream of light that started to shine on me, and as the light became brighter I started to feel some warmth. Then all of a sudden a big flash happened and I opened my eyes and saw a lot of medical staff around me. I heard the doctor say "He is back!"
I was told by them later that they almost lost me. However - at this time I was very upset and told them they should have just let me go … but I realize now that God had reached His mighty hand down and picked me up and put me on a rock of safety. However, I was still resistant to what had happen and became very drawn back and would not communicate with anyone.
After three days and many visitors, the personnel came and asked me if I would be agreeable to go get some mental help and I was told if I did not they would have to force me, so I agreed to go.
The time I spent in the hospital -- there were a lot of people that had come and ministered to me. Some of them just sat and prayed; some shared the word of God with me, which continued to reinforce something that I was becoming to realize and that was God loves me, and HE was the one that saved me.
I went to a mental institution and became very withdrawn. I refused to speak to anyone and just wanted to be left alone. Then one Sunday afternoon I decided to go to the Sunday service offered there and the minister spoke on confession, forgiveness, and acceptance … and something stirred my spirit.
I spent the rest of the day dwelling on what was said and that I needed to do something about it. That night on August-09-2010, I dropped to my knees and cried out to God in my own solitude room. All of a sudden this peace and comforting sensation came upon me – over my whole being. I went to sleep shortly after this and slept better than I had in a year.
The next morning I got up with this joy and peace in me an all I wanted to do was share with everyone what the Lord had done for me. I also had the urge to start helping others that were also withdrawn, and share with them that they were loved and that Someone does care about them.
Shortly after this the nurses had said something to the Psyches and made me go into see them, because they could not understand the sudden change that came over me. I spent about another month going through their program and they decided that I was well enough to be released, but I had to still continue counseling for a short time.
In this time all my illegal activities were being brought out and they decided to press charges against me. I knew I would be alright because I went to the Lord and He gave me comfort and the courage to do what was right. I went and turned myself in and plead guilty and took responsibility for all my actions.
During this time of incarceration I decided that I would learn more about God’s Word and build my relationship with Him. As I began to study His Word, the first thing I feel He brought to me was that I needed to TRUST HIM, and one of the first verses that HE put on my heart and now is my life verse was from Proverbs 3:5-6: Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, acknowledge HIM in all your ways, and HE will guide your path straight.
I truly believe this verse and have now continued to live this during my whole time incarcerated, and will continue when I am released. I have also come to learn and believe that God wants us to have a close and meaningful relationship with Him, and the only way to do this is to continue to fellowship with Him through His Word and prayer and share what He continues to do in our lives. I believe that what His Son Jesus Christ has done, not only had saved me but has created a new meaning in my life and a new purpose for what HE wants me to do.
I also believe that through what Jesus Christ has done by giving us reconciliation to our Father in heaven, HE has also created reconciliation in our relationships here on earth. I say this because I have witnessed this happen in my life twice already.
The first was after I was incarcerated. He brought my father back into my life, and not only has he been very supportive, but God has helped me with forgiveness and continues to help us both in rebuilding our relationship.
He has also brought my oldest brother back into my life. In all of this He has helped me in building my trust not only in Him but also others that HE continues to put in my life.
I truly believe that God is continually working in my life and has given me a second chance. He also has given me a mission to not only spread His word but also to help others and encourage them. He continues to open doors for me that are preparing me for when I am released to do what HIS will is for me.
I would like to thank you for reading this and hope that this testimony may be encouraging and help you to continue to trust the Lord and give you strength to continue to serve our great and awesome Lord and Savior!
I would like to leave you with a blessing from Numbers 6:24-26, "May the Lord bless you, and keep you. May the Lord make His face shine upon and be gracious to you. May the Lord turn HIS face toward you and give you Peace.”
Staff Note: If we are not aware, we can misunderstand and grow very frustrated with God regarding Proverbs 3:5-6 in our trusting Him. Please allow us to share a few key thoughts to help those who may need to hear it. The very FIRST thing a person is wise to trust God for is to give them a full-blown revelation of WHICH Lord they are to be trusting in. If Jesus Christ isn't THE Lord you are trusting in, God will often allow you purposely to be frustrated in your trusting. If you have YET to receive full revelation that Jesus Christ is the ONLY Lord that has power over your eternal destiny, we strongly exhort you to make it your number one purpose in life to ask and keep on asking and trusting God the Father to fully reveal to you that Jesus Christ is the One and ONLY LORD God. That means He's FULLY God; always was - always will be. Fully One of the three persons of the eternal Godhead (Father, Son, Holy Spirit). Jesus set aside His Godly deity - His full God position if you will - when He came from His highest heaven and came to this planet to live like a mere human being. He was tempted to sin like everyone else is, yet never once gave into a temptation. BECAUSE He never never sinned, that made Him the one and only acceptable sacrifice for God the Father to pour out His judgment for our sins on none other than HIMSELF. Did you get that? HIMSELF! He did NOT have to do that. But because of His mercy and love, He purposely chose to do so. The "God" who would do such a thing is fully qualified to be trusted by us. His name is Lord Jesus Christ.
The other challenge we have with Proverbs 3:5-6 is that we tend to trust the Lord Jesus for things our selfish nature would like to have. Sometimes God grants us those things. Yet sometimes He doesn't, and when He doesn't, that makes us very frustrated and more vulnerable to Satan subtly trying to convince us God CAN'T be trusted ... or at the very least doesn't care enough about you personally to honor your trust.
The highest level of trust a person can experience is coming to the place where they can rest ... trusting the Lord Jesus Christ that He will allow to happen in our lives whatever HE determines needs to happen in our life to prepare us for co-reigning with Him through eternity. Our focus tends to be on what we think will make us happy in THIS life, and that is where the breakdown usually comes. God rarely places our happiness higher than character growth. We would prefer to be happy over character growth. God prefers character growth over our happiness. Trials brings character growth. No trials ultimately turns us into little more than spoiled rotten little brats. Yeah ... we know: GULP.
You don't become a "Navy Seal" by being happy. You suffer a lot of pain making it to "Navy Seal" status - remember.
God honors Proverbs 3:5-6 when our number one purpose for living is to trust Him to do whatever He determines is needed to form the Christ-like character He desires to be formed in us during this life. That can seem to be very painful at times, but once we are with Him on the other side ... we will be ETERNALLY thankful to Him, because it will equip us to walk in the paths He has for us to walk with Him throughout eternity!
PLEASE HELP SHARE THE BEST NEWS GOD HAS FOR EVERY PERSON!
"And this gospel of
the kingdom [Jesus
died for sinners] shall be preached in all the world for a
witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come."
(Quote from Jesus Himself: Matthew 24:14).
Consider how many children in "all the nations" have never heard YET what Jesus accomplished for THEM at the cross? PLEASE HELP SPREAD THE GOOD NEWS TO THE LITTLE CHILDREN!
To help us share the Best News every person needs to hear on this planet, randomly click FOR JESUS on just three (3) of the JESUS DID IT! links below. It will take just a few moments of your time. Please - that’s all you are asked to do. God will reward you! (Of course, be highly encouraged to forward one or more of these video clips to those who may have never heard what Jesus did for them on the cross ... or may need to be re-reminded).
JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT! JESUS DID IT!
(Please paste one of the above links onto your Facebook page - website - blog - video; etc.)