By: Jennifer

I was a sad mess, 18 and searching, but I found . . .

When I was a little girl, I grew up in a Christian home.  My mom, Aaron, and I would go to church every Sunday; except dad.  My dad and grandmother were abusive.  I remember praying for the abuse to stop.  God heard my prayer and answered it.  It all stopped.  Even when God heard me, I was still carrying the past; which later in life affected me.  Mom stopped taking us to church.  I had my first surgery on my legs at age 4, because it couldn’t walk right.  When I was 8 years old, I had my 2nd surgery on my eyes because they were crossed.  I was never the popular girl in school.  I was always teased and bullied by my classmates. I felt so out of place.  By age 11, I would think of suicide all the time.  I wasn’t afraid of death.  I had low self-esteem and very depressed.  I thought no one will ever want or  love me.  I believed I was ugly.  As a young girl, I was shy and quiet. I had my 3rd and last surgery on my back.  I had scoliosis.  The school years were hard for me. 

In 6th grade, I was called a slut by a few boys.  I never slept around, so it really hurt me.  High school was something else!  Ninth grade my friends (not all of them) betrayed me.  They believed a lie about me and wanted to beat me up.  I remember I didn’t want to come to school again, but mom made me.  I hated 9th grade.  It was so hard for me emotionally.  At the end of that year, I met a 19 year old senior named Heith.  He changed my life. I was 15 when I first met him.  He and I started dating on June 3, 2003.  Mom didn’t like the fact I was dating him.  She forced me not to see or talk to him ever again . . . but that’s when rebellion started.  I would lie and be deceitful behind their backs, because I wanted to see Heith. I thought I was so in love with him.  He changed my way of thinking. 

I listened to heavy metal and rock, wrote depressing and suicidal poems, shopped at Hot Topic, and had suicidal thoughts.  I turned Gothic. I was no longer the sweet, innocent, good girl.  My relationship with my mother and me were always fighting.  We never got along.  I was very disrespectful to her with my mouth.  I hardly talked to dad.  At 16, I formed a little gang with some of my friends.  There were no drugs, beer, or violence.  I wanted a family oriented space, because I fought a lot at home.  The gang didn’t last.  I would always fight with a friend.  I couldn’t really get along with myself!  I felt farther away. 

The truth is I wanted to be loved.  I felt like my parents were against me, not for me.  I felt like I hated them.  I would fool around (not sex) with 2 guys just to feel different than I felt.  I tried cigarettes at one point to fit in.  The hardest of all years came when I was 17.  Heith and I crossed paths again when I was walking home from school.  He was 21.  Heith and I dated again for one day; then engaged the next.  My family didn’t know I was with Heith until mom saw us kissing as she drove past us.  (We were walking.)  Boy, was I in trouble!  Did I care?  No! I was so vain.  I only thought of what I wanted.  My parents warned me about him, but I refused to listen.  Heith was into the cult, and I began to be a part of it.  Tarot cards, witchcraft, you name it.  I was so far away from God that I didn’t go to church, pray like I should, and read my Bible.  I believed God was mad at me.  Heith was also into drugs and drinking, but I never did them.  He had a lot of issues.  He told me he hit his mom in the face because they were fighting.  I got scared.  I felt so lost.  I was brainwashed.  A part of me cried out, “No, Jen, stop!”, but I ignored it. 

On June 25, 2005, Heith was suppose to take me to his friend’s wedding, but the night didn’t go as I thought.  I was raped.  After it happened, he didn’t want to deal with me anymore. I found out from a girl he cheated on me.  Two guys told me Heith wanted to use me as a sex toy.  I was in so much pain.  I didn’t know how to cope.  When I turned 18, I ran away from home for a week.  My dad and I got into a very bad fight at Thanksgiving.  I lived with a friend to get away from everything.  My reality was different from the real reality.  I returned home on December 13, 2005.  I still suffered from depression and low self-esteem.  I lived life like that.  I wanted to die.  I was a sad mess. 

Eighteen and searching, but I found God in the summer of ‘06.  I was listening to a Charles Stanley tape from In Touch Ministries.  I began to see for the very first time.  Jesus touched my heart!  I told God I was sorry for turning my back on Him.  I asked Him to forgive me and be Lord of my life.  I forgave my dad and grandmother on the abuse, and Heith and my classmates for hurting me. 

Now I go to Jubilee Worship Center every Sunday, pray and read my Bible.  God loves you and me very much.  Jesus met me when I was a sad mess, and He healed my heart!  When this world gets lonely, fix your eyes to Jesus.  God will meet you today!  He’ll take you just the way your are and clean you inside out!  Here’s a quote I have I’ll share with you: “I asked Jesus, “How much do you love me?”  “This much,” He answered, and He stretched out His arms and died.” My friend, where there is a God, there is a way.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” (Mt. 11:29-30)
 

Real Life Stories - Chapter 24:

I WAS A SAD MESS

 


Dear Reader - are you at peace with God?  If not, you can be.  Do you know what awaits you when you die?  You can have the assurance from God that heaven will be your home, if you would like to be certain.  Either Jesus Christ died for yours sins, or He didn't (He did!).  Are you prepared to stand before God on the Judgment Day and tell Him that you didn't need the shed blood of Jesus Christ on the Cross to have your sins forgiven and get in right-standing with God?  We plead with you ... please don't make such a tragic mistake.

To get to know God; to be at peace with God; to have your sins forgiven; to make certain heaven will be your home for eternity; to make certain that you are in right-standing with God right now ... please click here to help understand the importance of being reconciled to God.  What you do about being reconciled to God will determine where you will spend eternity, precious one.  Your decision to be reconciled to God is the most important decision you'll ever make in this life. 


The staff and our ministry supporters so greatly appreciate hearing how God is touching lives for His glory through this outreach.  If this ministry has touched you in some special way, would you please consider taking a brief moment and share your blessing with us?  It is always encouraging to hear how God is using this ministry to touch lives for His glory through this outreach.  Simply email us at: ptoffice@precious-testimonies.com

We truly thank each of you who allow us to publish your testimony, for those who faithfully pray (and fast) for this outreach, for those of you who help support the ministry financially, and for those of you who pass along these testimonials and other ministry writings to others.  The part the Holy Spirit has you play is vital in helping win lost souls and being engaged in discipleship, and we can never thank you enough for the labor of love and support you provide on behalf of our Lord Jesus Christ.

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